


impossible year

by teenagesomething



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, F/M, M/M, involves anxiety and panic attacks and nightmares, mentions of other ships but the main ship is saeran/happiness, mom friend jaehee and older brother zen, saeran needs a hug!!, saeran's an awkward bean, the rfa being a supportive family aw
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-20
Updated: 2016-12-14
Packaged: 2018-09-08 13:23:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8846707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teenagesomething/pseuds/teenagesomething
Summary: It does not take eleven days, but eleven months.
The story of how Unknown became Saeran, with a little help from ice cream, more art than you'd expect, (unfortunately some) nightmares, and the family he didn't know he'd have one day.





	

**_route: mc_ **

( _and_ _i am done with my graceless heart  
so tonight i'm gonna cut it out and then restart_ )

* * *

 

  **november**

Sometimes he thinks of  _what if_?

What if he and Saeyoung had a happy childhood? What if he hadn't picked Mi-Cha? What if she refused to bring the phone to the apartment? What if he hadn't been in Mint Eye, but instead in the RFA? What if he and his brother never met Rika or V or anyone? What if..?

He takes a deep breath through his nose and exhales through his mouth. He repeats this process around seven times before he can get his heart rate back to a less troubling speed. He should just be grateful they're where they are now, he thinks, that he led this stubborn girl to the RFA and his brother fell in love with her and she fell in love with him right back despite multiple attempts at pushing her away. Again: Mi-Cha is stubborn.

Or maybe she's just kindhearted like that. It's almost sickening how much of herself she's willing to give up for the sake of making others happy. Every single 3AM chat, every single word of encouragement... He finds it unnatural for someone to be that nice. He guesses he's just not used to that sort of kindness. He wonders if he had been in the RFA with the rest of them, would she have shown him the same? Would she have picked up every single one of his calls? Would she have made him a better person, gotten rid of his demons just as she did for his brother?

He shakes his head of these thoughts. There is no use dwelling on what-ifs. What happened is this: he was  _not_  in the RFA. She has  _no_  reason to chat with him at 3AM. It is not  _her_  job to make him a better person. This is because they are  _not_  friends.

"Saeran?"

He uses his elbows to prop himself up from his lying down position on the couch, and sit up straighter. She's standing by the door of her and Saeyoung's room, his brother fast asleep. It's been such a long time since the three started living together but he still can't make himself look her in the eye. Instead, his gaze is trained downward at his feet. 

She moves forward. "Can I sit?"

He hesitates. "Sure." She stays kind of close to him and he nearly winces, but instead takes a deep breath and exhales loudly before adding, "Not too close." She turns red and scoots away to a bearable distance.

"Why are you still awake?"

"I don't want to go to bed," he says, simply. 

"And why's that?"

"I won't get any rest anyway."

He hopes she can read between the lines; that he still gets nightmares, that he doesn't want to wake up anymore with tears going down his face. She sighs, probably out of pity, and he's tempted to just yell at her for her to go away.

"I see..." Mi-Cha says. 

It's quiet for a while, and it's so unbearably awkward he's tempted to just go to sleep already if it means getting out of the room. He's about to stand when he hears her squeak out a "Wait!"

He stops.  _What is it? Is she going to call him out for all the shit he put her through? Is she going to ask him to leave her and Saeyoung alone forever? Is she going to hit him? Is she going to tell him to get the hell away from the RF–_

"Good night, Saeran. I... I hope you have good dreams."

He's caught off guard. "...okay." is all he manages to get out.

He stands up and he still can't look her in the eye.

That night, he does not have a good dream. Instead, he finds himself standing above Mi-Cha's dead body, and Saeyoung is crying, yelling at him and saying that everything is his fault.

* * *

 

**december**

"You know," Mi-Cha tells him one day. "You don't have to keep calling me by my full name."

Saeran looks up from the stray piece of gift wrapper he's been vandalizing with a pen. It's mostly filled with rough sketches of the most random things. When she looks at him he realizes he's been drawing her for the past few minutes and he immediately crosses out the progress he's made. It's not like it was very good anyway. "Why shouldn't I?" he asks.

"My friends call me MC." she says, shrugging as she goes back to wrapping Jumin's gift in festive wrapper.

He freezes and decides to be honest, speaking what's on his mind. "We're friends?"

"Of course we are, Saeran!" she says, putting down what she's doing to look at him again, smiling bright. He can tell she's nervous. "Aren't we?"

He makes a sound that could be a yes or a no, and a facial expression that could probably be a smile if you're hopeful enough, which he realizes Mi-Cha probably is. She continues to look at him like she's trying to figure something out, and when she looks back down to continue wrapping presents he lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding.

Mi-Cha, he thinks, will always be the failed plan.

* * *

 

**january**

They would be celebrating in Jumin's apartment if not for Elizabeth the 3rd, and he thinks that is enough reason for him to dislike the cat as much as its owner seems to dislike him. If only they weren't here, then he could maybe get some alone time. The entire RFA is outside the door to his bedroom, celebrating loudly. Every time he hears his brother burst into intense laughter or Zen try to sing, sometimes even Mi-Cha squealing, he cringes a little bit. He really thought the fireworks would be the worst of it, but it seems not.

Oh God, the fireworks.

Every once in a while one goes off and his heart starts racing faster than the speed of light. He's pulled back the curtains of his windows and put on headphones to block out even just a little bit of the bang. He's even making himself listen to loud music even though he prefers more quiet things. Anything to make the fireworks not as bad as they actually are.

It's because of that he doesn't hear the knock on his door. Mi-Cha enters anyway, and Saeran sighs a little to himself. Is this how she made everyone fall in love with her? Invasion of personal space and zero regard for privacy? Suddenly, he feels a tap on his shoulder, and it surprises enough for him to flinch involuntarily. He looks up at Mi-Cha for a split second and he sees the guilt on her face, mixed with a twinge of sadness. He's too agitated to care.

"Saeran," she says, after he pulls out his earphones. "It's almost midnight. Saeyoung wants you to join us outside."

He scoffs. "Just Saeyoung."

"No!" she says, turning red quickly. "I do too. And so does Zen and Yoosung – "

"But not Jumin or Jaehee, I'm sure."

Mi-Cha is suddenly at a loss for words.

He sighs, then takes a deep breath. "I know I'm not wanted here." he says, hoping that finally, he can get his point across. "I know I'm not. Jumin hates me for killing his friend, and Jaehee's been suspicious since the day we met. Zen only hangs around me because it pisses Jumin off, and you and Yoosung just happen to like my brother enough that you're willing to make good. I'm pretty sure that Saeyoung himself just feels guilty for leaving me all those years ago." His voice begins to shake as he continues, the sound of the fireworks making things worse and he pauses to steady his breathing. "It's fine, really. I don't want to go outside. I'd rather be in here alone." He hopes that the quake in his voice does not make the finality disappear. His mind is racing with thoughts all of a sudden, his heart going incredibly fast...

"Saeran, that's not tr – "

"I said to leave me alone!" he yells all of a sudden, and fuck, he knows in that moment that Saeyoung's going to come inside and he's going to see Mi-Cha terrified and his brother loves her  _so so so so so_ _much, so much more than he loves him, and he's going to have to leave home, find somewhere new again, without Saeyoung without Zen without Yoosung without Mi-Cha fuck he doesn't even have the Savior anymore Rika would be so disappointed in him but he's nothing but a disappointment anyway in the first place he couldn't even find the right girl to go to the fucking apartment and when did he get to the floor he was sitting down just a second ago_

He can't scream, he feels like his lungs are going to give in on him and suddenly he Mi-Cha's face is very close to his, urging him to breathe slowly in and out. He shakes his head, it's so very difficult, and he continues to panic in a series of shallow breaths.

She gently pries his fingers from his hair with her own hands and keeps them enclosed in hers. She's saying something he can't really understand at the moment, but her voice is soothing enough to steady his breaths.

Eventually, he looks up, guilt flooding his entire face. "I'm... I'm sorry, Mi-Cha."

"MC." she corrects him, "Come on, the others will be wondering what took us so long. It's not yet midnight anyway."

He hiccups. "I – I don't want to go o-outside." he says, "It'll be so obvious I was crying – "

"No one will care, Saeran." she says, with finality. "You're family."

He manages to stand up, steadying himself with the edge of the bed, but his feet can't move forward, it seems. He shakes his head.

"You know," Mi-Cha says. "There's a saying that the way you start the New Year is how you end it. I don't want you to be alone."

Saeran takes a deep breath and a step forward.

He doesn't want him to be alone either.

* * *

 

  **february**

The RFA remains at the apartment hours after the proposal, only leaving the newly engaged couple to themselves at around 8PM. Wanting to give the two some space, he tells them he and Yoosung have an important game to play (they don't) and he leaves with the gamer, laptop in hand.

He comes back a little late into the night, Yoosung taking him back to the apartment even though the college student doesn't even drive, he just accompanies him in the cab. ("I am capable of doing things on my own, Yoosung." he insisted, but it hadn't worked at all.)

Yoosung doesn't leave him until he's certain Saeran is in the apartment, and as he enters he shakes his head at how overprotective everyone is being of him. Perhaps he needs a little time away from Saeyoung and his new fiancée, and now Yoosung and Zen. He's pondering the thought when he notices a light coming from a phone at the kitchen counter.

"Mi-Cha," he begins, "What are you doing here?" He's not going to ask what she's doing awake because assuming that his brother and MC were actually going to _sleep_ after getting engaged, instead of... other activities, then he'd be fooling himself.

"Saeyoung's asleep." she says, "I tired him out."

Saeran makes a face, he thinks, because Mi-Cha is laughing at him, covering her mouth with her hand. She continues, "I couldn't sleep, I feel as if I'm cloud nine." She holds her phone up so he can see what she's been swiping through. Screenshots of the chatroom. "This is gonna sound so dumb, but I've just been reading through our past conversations."

"It's not dumb." he says immediately, "'Married to the world of binary numbers'." Saeran reads aloud before scoffing. "It's a miracle how Saeyoung managed to convince you to marry him. How he even found you in the first place..."

His eyes widen a little bit and Mi-Cha voices his thoughts. "But he wasn't the one who found me, Saeran, it was you."

Saeran looks down at this, feeling a little shy. "I guess so."

"What was it you said? That maybe it was _meant to be_?"

He feels his face rapidly turning red. "Stop it." he manages to say.

"Have you ever heard of the saying you get a treat if you listen to older men?"

At this point, all Saeran can do really is make an exasperated noise and cover his face with his hands. Mi-Cha laughs at him, louder this time, before placing a hand on his shoulder.

He freezes completely at the contact, before relaxing into it a little bit more. Mi-Cha wouldn't hurt him, of course. She's not dangerous. She's kind, and gentle, and... She's her.

"Never doubt that you have a place here in this family." she tells him seriously, "After all, you are the one responsible for creating it. I wouldn't have met anyone in the RFA if it weren't for you."

"I... I never looked at it that way," he admits, his voice quiet.

"Thank you for giving me a family, Saeran."

She hugs him quickly and he's so taken aback by the gesture that he almost pushes her; that he forgets to hug back. The entire thing feels so very warm and pleasant. She pulls away to smile at him. "I'll go back to Saeyoung, now," she tells him. "Good night."

He tosses and turns in bed that night with this new revelation.

Eventually, he goes to bed, but he's plagued with nightmares of salvation and brown liquid being shoved down his throat. What _is_ family anyway?

* * *

 

**march**

Lately, Saeran's been keeping a pen in his pocket. He draws on whatever available surface there is. Sometimes his skin even (on the parts not covered by tattoos), if he's feeling particularly inspired. He's doodling on a piece of tissue at the ice cream parlor instead of talking to Mi-Cha. He knows it could be rude but he can't really bring himself to care at this moment. Why did she even take him here?

There's a couple in another table and he draws the girl, who is speaking about something with such passion in her eyes despite the obvious lack of interest on her boyfriend's part. He kind of feels sorry for her.

Saeran notices Mi-Cha trying to peek at what he's drawing and he stops immediately, covering his creation with his hand.

"Aww, come on." she says, "Can't I see?"

"No." he replies curtly.

"Is it of the girl in the other table? She's a classmate of mine at university, you know, I saw you looking at her, do you find her cute?"

He turns red. He hadn't really noticed if she was "cute" or not, and doesn't want to look over at her again at risk of Mi-Cha teasing him further. Still, he supposes he wouldn't be drawing her if she weren't some semblance of aesthetically pleasing. Not that he would admit that to Mi-Cha. " _No_."

Mi-Cha giggles. "And here I was thinking that the ice cream would make you a little less grumpy." she says, "Considering how much you like going out and eating it with Saeyoung."

_Exactly._ With Saeyoung. _Not you. Not anyone else. I enjoy doing this because I'm with Saeyoung. This is_ our _thing_. He bites his tongue to prevent himself from saying anything.

She doesn't let his attitude deter her. She continues to talk about life, how busy college is, how great it is she thinks he's working at Jaehee's café, other topics like that.

"We have this one professor in university with the worst wig ever." she says, "It took me a while to notice but after Yoosung pointed it out, I realized, oh my God, his hair. It's a wig. Just the bangs." She gets out all this in between bouts of laughter. He wonders how she's doing this despite his total lack of response.

He sighs and decides to humor her. "What subject does this professor teach again?"

Her entire face lights up because of that simple question, his first reaction this entire time.

She continues to ramble on about how he teaches their Writing course, and he supposes that perhaps getting ice cream with Mi-Cha isn't so bad after all.

* * *

 

  **april**

"What did you say it was about, again?"

"Orphan child inventor meets a kid from the future who brings him to meet his eccentric family via time machine."

"So, they travel to the future? That's it?"

"It's so much better than you think! There are bowler hats, singing frogs, dinosaurs – "

"Dinosaurs? I thought you said they went to the future, not the past?"

"They do! They do! You'll see!"

Sigh. "If this turns out to be another Bee Movie, I swear to God..."

Smile. "It won't, I promise!"

(Later, Mi-Cha will fall asleep on the couch and Saeran, instead of turning of the TV will continue to watch until the very end. She will wake up just in time for Lewis to be adopted by his new family, and just in time for Saeran to wipe away tears from when Lewis tells Wilbur that he doesn't need to stop his mom from abandoning him since he already has a family.)

* * *

 

**may**

The two don't actually get married at the space station, sadly.

Instead, they get married under the stars, with only the RFA in attendance. Zen officiates. He and Yoosung share the role of best man. Jaehee is the maid of honor and Jumin is the one who walks Mi-Cha down the aisle. Pretty conventional save for the fact that Mi-Cha is wearing the suit and his brother is in the dress, but whatever. Nothing is ever normal with these two.

The sight of his brother in a white dress is something that makes him want to roll his eyes (as he did while they were picking out the dress), but just as he's about to, Mi-Cha appears at the end of the aisle on Jumin's arm, looking absolutely breathtaking.

Saeran feels his heart stop. There are tears in her eyes and he's pretty sure there are tears in Saeyoung's, but they are both smiling widely. They look so happy. The two people he cares most about in the entire world, and they look so happy.

Why is there an ache in his chest?

The moment MC reaches his brother, the hacker pulls her in for a swift kiss.

"That's not how weddings work!" Zen says, looking frustrated. Jaehee sighs and Yoosung laughs. Jumin shakes his head, as if he knew this would happen.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Saeyoung says, lifting his hands in surrender. "Couldn't help it."

Mi-Cha giggles and tiptoes to kiss him again. "It's okay." she says, "I liked it." Saeyoung beams at her and she returns the grin with full force as their fingers intertwine.

Saeran makes an effort to smile as well, it shouldn't be too hard in the presence of true love.

Yet, why does his heart still hurt?

It is during the couple's first dance that he realizes why, as he watches from the sidelines with the rest of the RFA.

He's in love with her.

* * *

 

**june**

**_MC has entered the chatroom._ **

Saeran suddenly feels like he can't breathe. Is this why people say their loves take their breath away? He doesn't like it, not one bit, not at all. He feels like he doesn't know how to breathe anymore. How stupid of him. Is this all love will do to him? Make him an idiot? He doesn't like it.

He wants to be able to breathe, oh God.

Why can't he just snap out of it? How pathetic! Pining after Saeyoung's girl! There's no use! She's with his brother, and even if she knew that he liked her _that way_ , she would choose Saeyoung still!

Whoa, whoa, whoa... Who said anything about her knowing?

If she knew, then things would just become awkward between them. He can't have that, not when their relationship is already getting closer and closer to something normal. He can't lose her trust. He can't lose Saeyoung's trust. Shit, everyone's going to hate him. Who is _he_ to have feelings for Mi-Cha of all people? She's perfect, she's kind and sweet and gentle and amazing and Saeran is Saeran, the Unknown hacker who tricked her into staying into an apartment with a bomb in it.

His breaths come out in shallow gasps.  _Fuck!_

He throws his phone against the wall and punches the mattress of his bed. He wants to scream but then the couple in the room near his will know something's up.

He hates this! (He hates himself.)

**_Unknown has left the chatroom_**.

He cries into his pillow and reminds himself that all it takes is _one_ screw up for them to realize he doesn't belong.

* * *

 

**july**

The conversation is straightforward, right to the point, and starts off more awkward than Saeran would have liked it to.

" _IthoughtIwasinlovewithyoubutnowIknowI'mnot_."

MC, thankfully, stops everything she's doing. She nearly drops the book she's reading and sits up straighter right away. "You're talking to me again." she says, almost in disbelief, a small smile growing on her face. "Wait! Could you repeat that?"

His heart is pounding again, all because of her _again_ , but not for the same reasons. He takes a couple of deep breaths to slow down his pulse before saying loud enough for her to hear and slow enough for her to understand: "I thought I was in love with you," he repeats, "but now I know I'm not."

MC looks very surprised. "In love with me..?" she repeats, dumbstruck.

"Yes." he says, before shifting awkwardly and repeating. "Yes. You. I thought I was in love with you. It happened after the wedding and that's why we haven't been talking."

"But... you're not?"

"I'm not." he confirms, "I talked to Jaehee about it – "

"Jaehee knew? Who else?"

"Just Jaehee." he clarifies, "It slipped out during one of my shifts." Once it looks like she doesn't have any more questions, he continues. "I thought I was in love with you because I was jealous of my brother, and this past month has been _difficult_. I did not _want_ to be in love with you."

"But you weren't." she says, as if still trying to wrap her head around the idea.

"I wasn't." he says, nodding. "At first, I thought I was jealous because he had _you_. Then, I realized, I was jealous because he _had_ you." He suddenly feels very vulnerable. He looks down at his ink stained hands. "I didn't want _you_. I just wanted..." He looks up. "What the two of you... have..." He trails off in confusion because suddenly, his sister-in-law has tears in her eyes.

"Can I hug you?" she asks suddenly.

Saeran's at a loss for words, but his head moves without instruction from his mind, and soon enough he's engulfed in a hug from Mi-Cha. It's so tight, and this is the second time she's hugged him _ever_ , and this time he actually remembers the concept of hugging back.

"Saeran, you'll find someone too." she tells him, sounding one hundred percent convinced. "And you're gonna fall in love, and you're not going to realize it until you're already deep, deep – "

"I don't think I want to fall in love." he corrects her, not yet pulling away. He still feels very vulnerable, he's glad he doesn't have to look her in the eye. He's not ready for it, anyway. Thinking he was in love was already very difficult. Actually being in it... he can't imagine how hard that will be

MC pulls away. "And that's fine," she tells him. "For now, just remember that you _are_ loved."

And he is, isn't he?

By Saeyoung, by MC, by Yoosung, by Zen, by Jaehee... Hell, even by Jumin and Elizabeth the 3rd. He lets the corners of his mouth quirk up into a semi-smile (it really looks more like a smirk).

Maybe  _this_ is family.

* * *

 

  **august**

MC's birthday is one of the most crammed yet well prepared for events he's ever laid witness to in his entire life. Zen wants the best for his "babe". Jumin wants to spend all the money in the world for the occasion. Jaehee has been working nonstop. Yoosung is dying trying to figure out what to get for her. Saeyoung has been putting together invention after invention, claiming none of them are right enough for her.

He doesn't understand what the big fuss is. In the end, she'll appreciate anything they do for her.

(He guesses it has something to do with the eleven days he wasn't part of the organization. Those eleven days, so short, yet somehow long enough for her to worm her way into everyone's hearts.)

Saeran works on his gift for a day. Suddenly he also feels the pressure everyone else is feeling. No matter what he does, nothing is perfect enough for her. His trashcan is full of crumpled papers now. His eraser has shrunk in just twenty-four hours.

In the end, he finishes.

Jumin gets her an expensive looking bracelet. Zen performs her a song. Yoosung gives her a batch of slightly burnt cookies. Jaehee gets her a cute looking planner which doubles as a whiteboard, that comes with a pack of sticky notes as well.

Saeyoung tells her to be patient, she'll receive her present from him soon.

(Later that night, Saeran will watch as all the lights in the apartment go out and twinkling "stars" will come to life along with virtual images of the cosmos dancing across the walls of the apartment. "Since we couldn't marry at the actual space station," his brother will explain.

But before all that – )

Saeran hands her an envelope that she opens carefully, and pulls out a watercolor of herself. In it, she's smiling, and she has her phone in her hands. Chat bubbles of different colors litter the background, all excerpts from conversations he knows she's had with the other members of the RFA.

MC's fingers trace his creation, before landing on a white-ish bubble with the text: _I don't know how we got connected... But maybe this was meant to be?_ (Looking back on that, he stands by his words.)

"Thank you, Saeran." she tells him, and he's glad she doesn't hug him because he isn't sure how he'd deal with that in front of so many people. "You're so talented! It's beautiful. Thank you _so_ much."

He fights the smile from appearing on his face. "Thank you, too."

* * *

 

**september**

He doesn't realize it's 1AM until MC taps him on the shoulder and tells him so. "You should get some rest." she tells him. "You can work on your game tomorrow." He knows it's true so he saves a couple color palettes and leaves himself a couple notes on his now clean arm to wake up to the next day. _Fix the bug Yoosung talked about! Ask Zen if you can borrow his voice!_

He saves his progress and shuts down the computer, knowing better than to fight her on this. "Whatever you say, MC." MC suddenly tenses, and he's afraid he's said something wrong. "MC?"

"You... You've never called me that before."

He thinks about it in silence, confused because he's thought of her as MC for a while now, so it never occurred to him this might be the first time he's referred to her by the nickname out loud. Even so, why is it so importa –

_"My friends call me MC."_

_"We're friends?"_

Oh.

"Well," he begins, standing from his seat. "We're friends, aren't we?"

She smiles. "Good night, Saeran. I hope you have good dreams."

He does.

* * *

_('cause i like to keep my issues drawn  
it's always darkest before the dawn)_

 

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is the first of an eight chapter story! Each chapter will focus on Saeran's journey with a specific member of the RFA through each of the eleven months from November to September. Other character's "routes" will answer some questions that you might start wondering about after reading each chapter, like "Saeran works at Jaehee's café?" "How come he doesn't have tattoos anymore by September?" "What video game?" and most importantly: "When did Saeran watch the Bee Movie?" I hope you liked it and thanks for reading!
> 
> next up: be as you are - zen  
> "I'll be like an older brother to you!" "I'm in no need of an older brother. I already have one too many."


End file.
